Hope

Earlier this week a friend confided in me that she had had yet another miscarriage. She’s a bit of a stoic type and not one to get overly emotional, but four lost babies are too much to ask any woman to handle. I think that this lost is made all the more potent because she was actually able to carry one to term. She has experienced the love and joy of he has brought into their lives and wants one more, just one. That really shouldn’t be too much to ask. I think that the real killer is that she now had hope. Hope that whatever thing was making it so that she couldn’t carry her babies had gone away and that perhaps, just perhaps, she wouldn’t have anymore problems. Hope is the real killer and now part of that hope is dead.

After I lost Ian, I found a great quote that still haunts me today:

With the lost of a spouse you lose your present,
With the lost of a parent you lose a part of your past,
But with the lost of a child you lose your hope for the future.

It’s not an exact quote and I’m not sure who to credit to, but 9 years later I remember it and so it obviously touched me. While I was so grateful that she choose to share this with me. I have to admit that our conversation definitely stirred things in my own heart and mind.

Lyn and I certainly are not ready to have another baby, yet. However, I’d like to get pregnant again about a year from now. My pregnancy with Liam confirmed that what happened to Ian was not just a fluke. The last trimester of pregnancy is tough for me and for my babies. I never let my breath out the whole time I pregnant with Liam. I was terrified when he didn’t move a lot that he was dead and when he moved a lot I was terrified that he was under stress and struggling for his life.

When my blood pressure went up my blood turned to ice. I really became a bit of a basket case. An over reaction? Yes or no, who is to say? My physical symptoms really weren’t that bad, but the mental issues were horrible.

Liam stirs from his nap. I hope to continue this entry later in the day. Suffice to say this is on my mind.