Emotions and Reason

I hate those days when I spend so much time setting limits that I'm just not sure if I'm being unreasonably or if my wards are. At least my coworkers seemed to think I know what I'm doing. I guess I'll just have to trust their judgement that I actually do.

On another note... I found this as I was cleaning up the desk that I share at work and thought that we could all use a little reminder of this stuff sometimes.

Top Ten Emotional Needs

Acceptance - deliberate and ready reception with a favorable positive response, even after failure.

Affection - to communicate care and closeness through physical touch and words.

Appreciation - to communicate with words and feelings a personal gratefulness for another.

Approval - expressed commendatio, to think and speak well of.

Attention - to take thought of another and convey appropriate interest and support, to enter into another's "world".

Comfort (empathy) - to come alongside with word, feeling, and touch; to give consolation with tenderness.

Encouragement - to urge forward and postively persuade toward a goal.

Respect - to value and regard highly; to convey great worth.

Security - confidence of harmony in relationships; free from harm.

Support - come alongside and gently help carry a load

Carbon Copy

In order to take advantage of Blogger's New Blog List feature, I was forced to upgrade my blog. Which means I need to actually take some time to fiddle around to make it pretty and my own again. I'm sure I'll have fun with it, but it will not be happening tonight. So for now my blog is just like each and every other minima blog out there. Blah!

I need sleep. I was a on edge all day and I'm sure a lack of sleep had something to do with it. Even a nap didn't help. However, I did manage to kick back this evening.

I actually got my husband to go out to eat dinner. No fussing, no whining, no pleading, no pouting or negotiating. At 5:25 I look at the clock and said "I feel like s***. We're going to Plucker's for dinner. Go get something on"

This is very significant because the last time Lyn and I ate out together it was at a sub shop over a year ago without Liam. The last time we ate out with Liam he was 3 months old and slept through the whole thing. This is a huge step. Before Liam was born we are out regularly, usually at some fairly nice restaurants. I can't say Plucker's is nice, it's a wing joint, but it's inexpensive, has a busy, kid friendly atmosphere and it's near by. This has been a huge anxiety issue for Lyn. He just hasn't been willing to go out to eat, there is always an excuse. He works up the worse case scenario in his head. However, tonight he didn't. He actually said that it was a good idea, that he enjoyed himself, and that he would be willing to go someplace family friendly again. Next time I'm going to try for a place that has vegetables on their menu.

And yes, I just posted 2 times in one day. Now that hasn't happen in quite some time.

Rain at Last

After what feels like months, although I'm sure it's only been weeks, it has finally rained. It seems ironic with the flooding that has been happening elsewhere, we've settled in for a long hot summer in Central Texas this year. I mean longer than usual.

I survived another work weekend and this is my lazy Monday. Well, it's not actually that lazy considering I was awoken my a little monster climbing into my bed at 6:15 this morning and now, three hours later, is the first chance I've had to sit down for more than a minute.

After converting Liam's crib to a toddler bed in March because he was threatening to climb out, we put a door knob cover on the inside doorknob of his room to keep him from wandering the house at night. However, now doorknob covers and just about every other child proofing device are useless in our household. He doesn't turn them. He takes them off the knob and then turns the knob. Simple enough...

Anyway, I worked a slightly different schedule this weekend and I think it may have been an overall win-win-win situation, for me, my husband, and for my employer, at least for our current needs. I worked Saturday and Sunday evening, instead of the morning shifts like I've been doing for the past month, or the 16 hour shifts on Sundays that was doing before. It was great for me because I was able to hang out with Liam and Lyn Saturday morning and Lyn was able to run off and take care of a few things. Then on Sunday I was able to sleep in and then I played with Liam while Lyn did some house cleaning. I didn't have to rush around and cook dinner when I returned for work and try to give Lyn a little down time, plus I got a little more down time myself. Lyn really appreciated being able to take care of things and not being stuck at home without adult company, since he can't transport anybody except himself in his work truck he can't drive places with Liam while I'm working. Pam, who does the scheduling at work, was thrilled when I told here I'd like to give this a try because she's had a hole on Saturday nights for a while. win-win-win.

My child is taking advantage of my diverted attention to get into mischeif, so I must go see if I can find a plunger. For some reason a full roll of TP just won't flush.

Ahhhh!

Before me, I have two whole hours of absolute me time. Ahhhh! There are so many things I'd love to do with it that I feel overwhelded and have no idea where to start. I'm sure in the end I'll end up just puttering it away on odds and ends, but that is fine by me. After all it's my time to putter.

Liam is at, my friend, Jenny's house playing with his buddy, Will. We have an arrangement that every Wednesday we alternate who gets the boys and who gets a few hours to themselves. Today is my day. It's like our own private, very flexible, MDO program. I'm much happier for getting some me time and Liam is much happier for getting some playtime in. Honestly, even on the days that I have the boys it's easier on me because they have each other to play with instead of Liam looking to me to entertain him all morning, I enjoy their company more and have fun planning special crafts and activies for us to do together.

It feels like it's been a while since I've had my turn though. Last week we went to Children's Day at the Art Park together and saw Joe McDermott, instead of swapping days and had a wonderful time despite loosing each other after the show. I was glad she was interested in going. I had training at work on Tuesday, again, and I work every Thursday. I can't stand the idea of dropping Liam at somebody else house on the days weeks that I'm going to be away from him extra. Then the last time it was my turn I used it for a chiropractor's appointment and errands. This is much better...

Anyway, back to planning my morning. Mainly, I have lots of cleaning and organizing to do, but just the thought of that makes me want to go hide in a book. I also need to spend a little time making some cards. Both my brother and one of my close friends are celebrating their birthday this tomorrow. While it's a little late to get anything in the mail to Jeffrey on time, Keitha is one of the friends who got me into card making and so I want it to do something extra special for her.

The other, probably more pressing, thing I need to do is reconstruct my pantry. This morning, with Liam's "assistance" I disassembled most of my pantry. I've been trying to make some dietary changes and have needed to do this for a while. Honestly, I'd like to completely redo the pantry including putting a new shelving system in it and knocking out a wall so that I can increase it's size. However, I guess that won't be happening in the next hour and a half and without discussing it with Lyn first. For now I'll have to live with a panrty that has noticelby less stuff that I don't want to be eating in it. I wonder if I'll be able to dump some of the "junk" on to Jenny?

Well, my coffee cup is empty. I need to press replay on my Midnight Oil CD and I feel motivated to get things done

One small task for me, one giant leap towards living a better life...

Headaches and Mommy Guilt

It's hard to be a good mommy when you have a headache. Actually, it pretty hard to be a good person in general when all you want to do is crawl under a rock.

I woke up with a lovely migraine this morning that took it's sweet ole time going away despite the ice, Excedrin and caffeine I fed it. I can't say it was horribly bad, but boy was it stubborn. It didn't go away until more than an hour after I took an Imitrex, which normally works right away for me.

Needless to say, I wasn't exactly my most patient and loving self this morning. Liam spent the whole morning asking to go out, but then run away when I try to dress him. Usually I am able to turn this into a fun game and we get out the door in a reasonable amount of time. However, this morning I just left the pile of clothes on his bedroom floor and walked away. Being dissatisfied by my lack of playfulness Liam decided to turn my morning routine into a game. Including shredding paper all over my office when I checked my email and the weather, unloading the dirty dishes from the dishwasher as I cleaned up from breakfast and tearing off covers of my bed as I tried to make it. Finally I felt like I was going to blow my lid and took a self-time out. I laid down for about 20 minutes after gating Liam into his room for he had some quiet playtime. Honestly, I think he benefitted from the quiet time as much as I did. It was enough chill time so that we could finally get out the door.

Once we were in the larger world which is obviously much more interesting than home, all went well. I got in a short trip for some card making supplies from Achievers and we met friends for a park playdate. We were a little late to do the hokey pokey and parachute play with our toddler buddies, but we still got to have fun. I love the park. I had not yet discovered this one and it's terrific for toddlers, and not to far from home.

Once home, we ate lunch and Liam's down for his nap and I'm feeling guilty for being such a grumpy this morning. Especially because now I feel perky and full of energy. Oh well, Liam didn't seem to mind too much. I'm so lucky to have such a resilient kid. Now on to make explore my new toys...

I "heart" the internet

More specifically, I love online shopping. While online shopping has been well and good for many years now, in recently it has taken off to a whole new level which, oh, so, improves my quality of life.

Have you ever tried swimsuit shopping with a 2 year old? Just the thought of it sends me screaming in the other direction. Now I'm not talking the perfect cute swimsuit to beach comb in, not really my style even when 50 pounds lighter. I'm talking the suit you can do some real laps in. I've been avoiding buying a swimsuit for quite a while now. The last swimsuit I bought been limping along for at least 3 years now. Finally, I could take it's shabby condition no more and I threw it out a couple months ago after a very self-conscious workout and haven't been swimming since.

I guess that I had the hopes this would motivate me to drag Liam and myself to the local sport or swim shop and sift through their sorry selection to find a brand, cut, and color that I can tolerate. My pre-child expeditions on this kind normally proved to be quite frustrating and I was having massive anxiety of doing it with child and in my now even larger and harder to find size.

Then in the wee hours of the morning I had one of those "Oh, duh!" moments. I thought "Why don't I just check out the Tyr website and see what they have?" Now I feel like a fool for not having thought of this sooner. Needless to say, I have a suit in my preferred brand, cut, and coming my in my favorite colors and I'm only half way through my coffee.

With all the new applications they have for viewing products online it's making it less and less necessary to deal with brick and mortars. Unless, of course, you actually like shopping. Yuck! Plus, with the price of gas lately my shipping was easily compensated for by the gas I didn't use and the tax I sales tax I didn't pay. Now I get to enjoy the morning chasing my son around the park instead of the store. Now that's stress management.

A Perfect Day

I am feeling totally, utterly happy and content.

The weather is beyond beautiful. I have the house open despite all the pollen exposure. I have dinner already made and nothing else that I feel must be done today. And I must say the past few weeks have been very emotionally satisfying.

I spent a glorious 10 whole days at my mom's house. It was the best and most relaxed trip home I've ever had. Instead of running around like a nut bar trying to visit everybody I actually put very few miles on the car. We did get to see many people, but somehow I managed to not over do it and kept my focus on quality rather then quantity.

Then I returned and immediately jumped back into our regular life, work and stuff, plus I had a Liam's party to get together. I had set a date and a theme, but done very little else before leaving for NY. Somehow it all fell together and he turned 2 despite my lack of planning. Yikes! How did that happen?

I find it hard to believe that my tiny little baby is now 2 and such a big boy. I haven't uploaded a single picture from my trip or from the party, although I sincerely intend to sometime millenium. However, the lovely Mia's Mama took some lovely shots while she was there.

This is my very favorite...

IMG_0862, originally uploaded by Mia's.Mama.

I don't have much more to say at the moment and I have a few more things I like to do while Liam finishes up his nap, but looking though Mia's Mama pictures had me longing for my online connections again and so I thought I'd post. In my surfing I did discover a delightful revolution which I think I may have joined.

Now I'm off to enjoy this perfect day.

"You have a baby!"

These words were utter to me today by one of my teenage wards with her mouth agape. Honestly, teenage girls have such funny ideas about things.

When I assured them that yes indeed I do, although he's really more of a toddler now, she was equally astonished. When I asked her why, she stuttered, "I...I...just thought you were too old to have a baby. Aren't you in your 40's or something?"

Thanks kid. My visions of my youth are slowly starting to slip away. I guess the extra weight I'm carrying must make me look matronly, or something. Of course it doesn't help that I'm 3 years older then the poor girls mother.

Usually people think I'm younger then I am. Bummer. Of course, when I was younger I wanted them to think I was older and now that I'm older I want them to think that I'm younger. Isn't that the way life goes.

Thanksgiving 2007

It was a success!

I sort of followed the menu and cooking schedule in the Nov 2007 issue of Fine Cooking, with a few adaptations and simplifications. It spread the cooking and shopping out so that everything was produced without sweat or heartache and with enough room in the fridge. Plus, the results were terrific.

What was missing, could have been better?

I need my own carving knives. I borrowed Irene’s, which worked quite well too, but having my own would, of course, have been better.

November 22, 2007, originally uploaded by loralia.

The decor could have used improvement. I used a simple runner and everyday placemats with a vase of flowers with cranberries (thanks to Heather’s innovation) and a few mini pumpkins left out from Halloween. It still looked good and our new table was a huge improvement over what we would have been able to do otherwise. Unfortunately, I was unable to find holiday linen which I found attractive and at a price I was willing to pay. I am hoping to catch something on post season clearance to use for next year.

The sweet potatoes au gratin could really have used some improvement. I used ½ and ½, instead of heavy cream (I’m not sure why. Probably, to cut out some fat) and I soaked the sweet potatoes overnight because I was getting ahead of myself. This just made it too watery and not creamy and it never gratined properly. Plus, I added too many sweet potatoes for the liquid. Sometimes, less is more. It was the slowest moving dish on the table and in the leftovers. It was still tasty though and I’d make it again, but follow the recipe . Honestly, if I were to have made something else I’d like it to be something that is easier to pass around the table. My thoughts at the moment are mashed sweet potatoes with a bit of a cayenne kick and some pineapple chunks or something along those lines.

The rest of the food was fabulous. No really!

I will brine the turkey again, although I think I will be a little more stingy in how much I pay for the herbs to brine it in. I haven’t actually calculated it, but between the $5 brining bag and the fistfuls of fresh herbs I know the brining cost far more then it would have to use a fresh organic instead of the frozen unorganic turkey that I bought.

Making my own stock was great, but if I were crunched on time I would find this the best thing to skip. I wouldn't call it vital.

The herb butter was a wonderful move and I plan to do this again even it I don’t brine. It was cheaper and easier the brining, added flavor, sealed in moisturer and helped create a wonderfully browned skin.

The stuffing was terrific and, as always, the first of the leftovers to go. I made 1 and a half bags of cornbread stuffing for a 12 lb bird and 5 of us. I made Irene’s recipe using hot sausage and added a little fennel. I honestly can’t say the fennel added as much as I expected, but it wasn’t very fresh and Irene calls for more celery leaves then I used. Next time I may just make 2 bags.

November 22, 2007, originally uploaded by loralia.

My broccoli was yummy. I made the broiled broccoli which I frequently make and we always enjoy.

The cranberry sauce was great, but simple to make. I just added a generous amount of ground cloves, perhaps a little too generous, actually, and fresh orange zest. It looked fabulous in the glass dish Mom got me last Christmas.

Lyn even raved about my gravy, which I'm not very experienced with making. I little oversight from Irene and a good sized splash of sherry in it helped make it a success.

Fred and Irene brought some Toasted Head Pinot Grigio and a pumpkin pie from Sweetish Hill Bakery.

The pie was tasty and very attractive, despite not being homemade and it was made clear that both Fred and Lyn would have preferred pecan pie, but I thing my fresh whip cream made up for it. I had wanted Liam to be able to have pie with us, so asked her to bring pumpkin. Honestly, these men are so particular about having pecan pie on every single holiday that it almost makes me want to intentionally not serve what they demand, but then I am a difficult one.

I have no doubt that I will be asked to make the turkey again someday and I look forward to it.

If I host next year I’d like to invite a couple more people. I did reach out to others this year, trying to include others that I thought might not have family to spend it with, but they all had other plans. I guess I’ve reached a point in life where most of the people I spend time with have enough of a social network that I don’t have to save anybody, what a concept! I did manage to get a brief acknowledgement that it is thanksgiving from everybody before we began eating. Next year I’d like to have somebody who I can get to lead a short message of thanks or perhaps I’ll get brave enough to do so myself. Heck, I could always one of my fire and brimstone relatives, that would certainly liven things up.

November 22, 2007, originally uploaded by loralia.

Liam was a ham. He seemed to enjoy the specialness of the occasion and all the yummy food, except the turkey. He never even tried the turkey, but asked for more of the stuffing and the cranberries, as well as, the whip cream.

He was on very good behavior, but distant with his Mimi and Fred Fred. We timed dinner late at 3:30 so that we could serve it after he had had a full nap. That also allowed me time to set the table, shower, and run out to the store for those emergency items. Lyn was helpful, especially with getting the house cleaned up for company. I managed to not have to ask him to watch Liam for more then short bits throughout the day and still spent plenty of time playing with him, which I think added to his angelicness.

Of course, the mysterious stomach bug that knocked us out one by one over the next few days is another story and had nothing to do with my cooking.

Hope

Earlier this week a friend confided in me that she had had yet another miscarriage. She’s a bit of a stoic type and not one to get overly emotional, but four lost babies are too much to ask any woman to handle. I think that this lost is made all the more potent because she was actually able to carry one to term. She has experienced the love and joy of he has brought into their lives and wants one more, just one. That really shouldn’t be too much to ask. I think that the real killer is that she now had hope. Hope that whatever thing was making it so that she couldn’t carry her babies had gone away and that perhaps, just perhaps, she wouldn’t have anymore problems. Hope is the real killer and now part of that hope is dead.

After I lost Ian, I found a great quote that still haunts me today:

With the lost of a spouse you lose your present,
With the lost of a parent you lose a part of your past,
But with the lost of a child you lose your hope for the future.

It’s not an exact quote and I’m not sure who to credit to, but 9 years later I remember it and so it obviously touched me. While I was so grateful that she choose to share this with me. I have to admit that our conversation definitely stirred things in my own heart and mind.

Lyn and I certainly are not ready to have another baby, yet. However, I’d like to get pregnant again about a year from now. My pregnancy with Liam confirmed that what happened to Ian was not just a fluke. The last trimester of pregnancy is tough for me and for my babies. I never let my breath out the whole time I pregnant with Liam. I was terrified when he didn’t move a lot that he was dead and when he moved a lot I was terrified that he was under stress and struggling for his life.

When my blood pressure went up my blood turned to ice. I really became a bit of a basket case. An over reaction? Yes or no, who is to say? My physical symptoms really weren’t that bad, but the mental issues were horrible.

Liam stirs from his nap. I hope to continue this entry later in the day. Suffice to say this is on my mind.

No More Drama Mama

It’s been a busy week and I found that while I have been sitting down to write, I haven’t managed to post any of it, time and interruptions have prevented me from completing my train of thought. Since my brain tends to wander and meander all over the place the train can get pretty long before I wrangle them into readable form. One of my favorite quotes that seems applicable to me is:

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Blaise Pascal

Mainly, I’ve just been busy trying to ease us into our new schedule, so that next week when I start doing a 16 hour day we’ve got the kinks out.

One major event for me this week is that I have left the mommy group that I was once the assistant organizer on. Of the 5 groups that I joined I now remain in 2 which is a much nicer balance for me. I know it sounds a little strange to say, but leaving this group was a difficult decision for me to make. I felt like it as the equivalent of breaking up with a boyfriend and I admit that ending this has never been something I was very good at. I always took the tacit of just disappearing without a word more then once, leaving me with more then one fellow scratching his head. Right now, I'm still missing it a bit, but think it was best. I do hope to maintain many of the friendships of made from the group, as I really came to rely on many of these women in my first few scary months of motherhood. However, enough drama had gone down that I was finding the group to be more stressful then fun.

Honestly, who would have thought that motherhood would have been such a boon to my social life? I haven’t been this social since I was in college. Actually, I don’t think I’ve been in any actual social organizations since college. I don’t know how long my activity in my current groups will last because I guess at some point in time one just moves on. I’ve always been one to tend to create longer lasting closer friendships and finds them most rewarding. However, I really enjoying have a circle of friends based on common interests. I’ll have to make sure that I stay involved with similar organizations in the future. As long as you don’t over do it, like I was, they really are a godsend.

Minor Catastrophe

Last night, while at work I received a phone call from Lyn. He normally doesn't call me at work. So I was immediately alarmed when I saw it was him on the caller id.

The first words out his mouth were, "There has been a minor catastrophe."

I just about had a heartache on the spot. I was told later by a co-worker that every bit of color immediately drained from my face. I managed to ask if Liam was okay.

Lyn replied that he was, but then quickly went on to s-l-o-w-l-y explain the "catastrophe" to me as I hung on his every word. I don't think he quite understands that the images my mind can conjure up when he uses the word catastrophe.

In the end, it seems that he had managed to lock himself out of the house. No big deal right? After I did this last summer we managed stash an emergency key and it has saved my sorry self more then once since. However, Lyn forgot about the key and, oh, did I mention, Liam was locked inside the house, alone.

Lyn went into complete panic mode. My heart really goes out to him. He had just run out to the curb and it was cold out and for some reason he was barefoot. He forgot about the spare key. He didn't have his cell phone. He has never managed to memorize my cell number or work number. Liam was inside and while he doesn't move quickly he is mobile, plus he was starting to wonder where Daddy was and was vocalizing his displeasure. The sound of Liam crying returns both of us into the primal stage of evolution, void of cogitative thinking.

Unfortunately, not seeing any other option he ended up breaking a window to get back in. However, Liam was fine and immediately calmed down once Lyn emerged through the window. I managed to get somebody out to repair it today at a pretty reasonable price. In the end it was all good, except for the little glass shards we now have in the backyard.

I think Lyn will be a little more careful about checking the door before he walks out and, after the earful I gave him, perhaps a little less dramatic in his choice of words.

Gee, Thanks!

It does seem that I'm back to regular blogging again. I really missed it, and missed my blogging buddies. I still have a lot of catch up and blog maintance to do, but it's good to be back. Thanks to everybody for their welcomes and for not giving up on me.

On Sunday I worked. That's been my only regular shift or a while now, but this week I started working Monday evenings too. Lyn and I committed to not leaving Liam with any non-family members for his first year and so far we've managed to do it. Liam has gotten so much more time with Lyn then he would have otherwise making me think that it was one of the best choices we've made. Lyn is of the opinion that every father should have one day a week where they are the sole caregiver.

Beginning in a few weeks, I'll be working a 16 hour shift every Sunday. Not fun, but it seems to be our best option for meeting our goals for getting out of debt and for not tossing him into daycare. That means you can pretty much guarentee that I won't be posting on Sundays and Mondays will be hit or miss until we get the kinks of our new schedule worked out.

This afternoon my mother-in-law came over, we had a nice little visit and then she stayed with Liam for a couple hours until Lyn got home from work. We normally see her once every week or two and since he's begun the whole seperation and stranger anxiety thing I was questioning how well he would stay with her. Well, today when she got here he reached to go into her arms and then stayed there quite happily until he decieded his toys were more interesting. He's only done that with Lyn and I before so that was a big step. I gather that they had a very smooth afternoon together. He didn't make any fuss about me leaving and he went down for his nap for her without an issue. She's going to stay with him every Monday for our overlap so this was a huge relief for me. I'm actually quite excited that they are now going to have a chance to build up more of a regular relationship, which makes me feel much better about my increase in hours.

Hobbies

It’s Saturday. Lyn is home and getting ready to go to a model airplane swap meet. He isn’t really looking for anything and is going with limited funds, but I’m sure he’s going to find some huge wonderful thing that he simply must have. In some ways I hope he does and in some ways I hope he doesn't. It’s good to have hobbies, but he seems to be attracted to hobbies that are bottomless money pits, like model railroads, model airplanes, sports car racing and flying. I guess I just don't get it. At least he is only currently pursuing one of them and he really seems to gain a lot of enjoyment from it. I'm sure I wouldn't complain if he were pursuing something that I find more interesting.

I have recently taken up sewing. I think it’s part of that new mommy brain thing that makes you want to learn how to sew. If nothing else you feel like you may need to have a sewing machine around sometime over the next 18 years and ought to know how to use it. Plus I desperately needed some sort of creative outlet. I’ve slowly been puttering away with it, but it’s been difficult to make they time to do things and have actually gotten very little accomplished. Actually, instead of typing about sewing I think I’m going to go do a little of it while I can and will report back on that later. I finally finished up one project and now I get to start something new, which is always the best part.

First First Birthday Party

Naptime is a little early today. Liam just seemed a little more tired then usual. I hope he’s not coming down with something.

We really had a great time at Mia’s birthday party. We didn’t stay long because it was in the afternoon and Liam needed to get down for his second nap. There were a bunch of very cool mamas and their babes.

At 9 months old Liam was actually the youngest one there and I think the oldest was 15 months. Mia’s mama really went all out and seemed to love doing it. She had a piñata full of toys and puppets to send home as party favors. Liam got a parrot which he loves and won't let go of the beaded necklace he got from the piñata.

Mia took it all in stride including all the extra babes invading her house, playing with her toys and the singing of happy birthday. She attacked her cupcake with glee. Sorry to not have any pictures, but so many other people had their cameras out that I didn’t want to add mine into the mix. I'll try to add a link or photo once I get one to share.

Less is More

It’s another day and I’m taking advantage of naptime. It’s nice that Liam has gotten into a nice routine with a good morning nap that I can depend upon.

Until recently I was using naptime to try to take care of stuff or frittering away on time fillers. It seems that a huge pile of stuff always seems to need to be done. However, I recently reached my breaking point and said enough is enough. I realized that I really need to slow down and take a break. Now, I figure that most of the odds and ends can be taken care of while he’s awake and if they can’t be done they probably aren’t that important anyway. I’m using naptime only for things that I can’t do while he is awake. Relaxing and typing into the computer is one of those things and while it may not be urgent it is important.

It’s funny since I adopted this policy I can’t say much less is getting done and I’m a whole lot more relaxed. Plus, it stops me from hovering over Liam. I’m always nearby to keep him safe and help him calm down if he gets to frustrated. We take several breaks to read or play or snuggle or babble at each other and, of course, get out of the house often. It seems to be working very well.

My back hurts. It aches. I know it’s because I’m not exercising and moving enough. However, I’m not really ready to do something about it so I guess it doesn’t matter.

I took a hard look at our finances yesterday (yes, during naptime), did some investigating and found out that it makes no sense for Lyn and me to seek credit counseling. The payment programs won’t really save us much of anything in interest and their fees make it actually more expensive. We aren’t late on anything, we just seem to be getting nowhere with them. We spoke about it and decided to cancel the credit cards, all of them. Cutting them up didn’t work, canceling seems to be the only way and honestly if we ever get in a real jam we have excellent credit if we need to use it. We are doing to stack the bills and keep the money going to debt the same until they are all paid off. With what we plan to send them it will take about 5 years to get them all paid off. It may take us a little longer, because we may not be as disciplined as we need to be, but at least we won’t be accruing additional debt.

I’ve been broke, and while we aren't rich, we aren’t broke and we haven’t been. We’ve just been impulsive and avoided dealing with our finances for far too long. We need to learn how to work within the constraints of a budget and to change our attitude towards money. We both are very good at finding ways to spend money and we need to work on our patience and financial planning. Keeping up with a budget seems like a cumbersome task that others make look so easy. I know it’s not going to be easy, but it is a lesson that we really need to learn. What lessons will we teach Liam about money if we are are in debt his whole like?

Well, I’m off to get on with the day. We get to go to Mia’s first birthday party today. This will be the first birthday party we’ve attended and I’m looking forward to it. I still have to wrap her gift.

I also must go make a grocery list. The cupboards are getting bare once again. It seems like so much of my time is spent dealing with food, food shopping, food preparation, eating food, clean up, meal planning. Think of all the time would I save if we didn’t eat or if I didn’t care so much about what we ate.

Peace After the Storm

I have my house back. Hooray! After a week of house painting and now half a week of being housebound by ice and snow (Yes, in Texas) Lyn went to work this morning, as scheduled. A sense of normality has once again returned. Not that I don’t enjoy having his company and also the extra hand he’s given me, but be has literal been pacing the house and I have sorely missed my alone time.

As we do every Thursday morning, we went to lapsit at the library and now Liam is tucked away for his morning nap. Quiet. I have resisted doing the clean up that needs to be done and just sat alone of a while. Ahhh. I made a cup of coffee and splashed some water on my face and now sit down with my keyboard to refocus.

My mind is turning to the million of little things that I want to get done. It’s not that I need the alone time to do things, I just need a little quiet so that I can figure out what order to work on things. So much of my life these days is spent flitting from one fire to another leaving we with a feeling of accomplishing absolutely nothing. Quite simply, I am trying to do too much. Well maybe not too much, but too much to a degree better then it needs to be done. I’ve never been good at leaving well enough alone. I am constantly trying to reinvent the wheel.

I don’t think that’s a bad thing, however left unfettered it can drive you to the brink of madness. Working on stepping away and say this is good enough, for now, is on ongoing process, probably a lifetime processes. It is the curse of the completely imperfect perfectionist, but I wouldn't trade this trait in if I could. Well, maybe...

I feel a little more at peace now, a little more centered. There are a million seemingly urgent things that call in the back of my mind, but because I feel more focused I can push them aside and work on the things that really matter. Today and always that is my care for Liam, also making headway on the financial mess my husband and I have created over the years and getting a nice healthy dinner on the table tonight and, of course, taking care of me.

Moo

Values it all seems to be a matter of values. How much of my time do I want to spend pumping and worrying about my milk supply so that I can use breast milk in Liam’s cereal? What efforts am I willing to go through to replenish my freezer stock? How long is long enough? How much is enough and at cost to what other things?

How long before my supply takes another blow and I need to have that stock to fall back on? Exactly how exclusive does one year have to be? One shouldn't cry over split milk, but I do.

For now I pump, once a day at night to fill that freezer back up. I feed him 5 times a day. I use my milk in his cereal. I do this until my freezer is full again. One year is one year. I do this because it is important to me. I hate pumping. Moo.

The Perfect Yogurt

I’m going to let just a little bit of my oddness really slip through here. I am one of those people who holds very strong feelings about yogurt. I love yogurt. Always have, and I’m quite sure I always will. Although I go in phases with it, I like to have one a day and admit that I often eat more.

I’m also very picky about my yogurt. In the past I have driven miles and miles out of the way for a particular brand, flavor or style of yogurt. I’ve loosened up and now will even buy the store brand in a few limited flavors, but my old preferences win out and I stock up on what I like when I can find it.

The other day I found the perfect yogurt. It is my favorite brand, Stonyfield. In my mind Stonyfield is superior not only because of it’s taste and texture, but because I feel their use of multiple bacteria to make their yogurt is healthier for me. It’s not as sweet as other brands and has a pleasant tart test.

With a few exceptions, I prefer my yogurt to have the fruit on the bottom and I relish the ritual of peeling of the foil top, draining off any extra juices and stirring the fruit up. I tend to give it an extra push around the cup as I am eating, continuing to blend it as I get closer to the bottom.

I also prefer low fat or fat free yogurt. I admit it really is just a result of watching my weight in the past, but now eating whole milk yogurt seems as decadent to me as eating a premium ice cream.

While dieting I feel conflicted, I hate artificial sweeteners. An really don't want to eat them very often while breast feeding. However, I have recently been straying over to the light varieties to save a few calories. While at the Super Target the other day, I discover the perfect yogurt. Stonyfield, fat free, fruit on the bottom, light yogurt which is made light without the use of any artificial sweeteners. One six oz container contains just one point and it is oh, so, good.



Of course, they need to work their selection of flavors. They only had Strawberry, Blueberry, Peach and Black Cherry, but with the exception of the strawberry this selection is among my favorite flavors anyway. Yum.

Now if only I could get them to lower the price… and sell it at the place that I usually shop, I could enjoy it all the time.

Tragedy!

Last we had a horrible occurrence happen in this household. My 2 and a half-year-old camera stopped working. Completely quit. No power. Zip. After several changes of battery, I finally accepted this and informed my uncaring husband, who had the audacity to remind me, as I often remind him, that I was welcome to buy anything I want, once I had the cash saved up from my allowance. (Yes, we give ourselves weekly cash allowances because we both majorly suck at controlling our urges to spend) I mean this is an emergency! I have a baby! I need a good camera! And I need it now, because I must be able to take photos of him at whim.

So I scraped my pennies together and went camera hunting (via the next, of course) and was VERY pleasantly surprised at what my meager cache allowed me to buy. For half the price of what my husband paid for my old camera, the 3.2 mega pixel version of this. I bought something with twice the mega pixels, that is one third its size and that much more portable and has better features, like 1-minute video clips WITH sound. Since I stuck with the same maker, I can use my xD memory cards and need not invest in more memory storage devices. I also found a model that takes AA batteries, so I had no need to get a back up battery pack or special recharger. Oh yeah! Plus it isn't the battery hog that my old one was. This one takes two and they seem to last. The old one I seemed to need to change the batteries every time I used it and always had to have spare batteries with me. True, it doesn’t have the awesome 6x optical zoom I had on the old one, but 3x has proven to be enough to meet my camera needs.

The best thing is that it isn't much bigger then my cell phone. I can keep it with me all the time and get awesome pictures and I managed to find a great price for it with no tax and no shipping, what more could a girl want? (Written as I eye my computer…maybe after Christmas.)

Chilling in the pool, originally uploaded by loralia.